Post Op: Laproscopy and Hysteroscopy

I know so much more today than I knew yesterday, and for that I am grateful.

1. I definitely had a uterine septum. It has been removed.
2. I definitely had (have) endometriosis. It has been lasered away.

This is going to be a very clinical post, not only to document the surgery for myself but to hopefully help others know what to expect.

I was put under general anesthesia with a breathing tube. They put the breathing tube in after I was out, and took it out before I came to, so besides a scratchy throat, I was never aware of it.

For the Laproscopy, a small incision was made right below my belly button. I have a bandaid covering it, so it is likely quite small. Depending on what the doctors find from this cut, they will make further incisions to help clean away any endo.

I had two additional cuts made right above my pubic line, and to the far right side of my abdomen (possible connection to "possible partial blockage of right tube" that was my first infertility diagnosis ever in 2008?)

These incisions did hurt when I first woke up, but they did give me my first dose of vicadin and that helped right away.

I also had a Hysterscopy to deal with the Uterine Septum. Since a septum was discovered and cut away, a balloon catheter was inserted into my uterus and blown up so that the lining can grow back in correctly. The catheter line is taped to my thigh and is larger than I was expecting. I am anticipating having to wear a long belted sweater to my speech on Thursday with loose pants, so that it is not noticeable.

Strangely the most pain has come from my shoulder and ribs. They have explained that this discomfort comes from all the gas (I am guessing from the Hysteroscopy). This apparently puts pressure against nerve points that make your shoulder ache. Sounds weird, but its true.

I will learn more next Tuesday at my post-op appointment where I will also get the catheter removed.

I am curious to know my doctors honest opinion on how much these two factors have had on my infertility. Should we try "naturally" for awhile?

At this point I am still planning on doing a cycle at CCRM in August, but of course I will be praying for a miracle in the meantime. This process has given me back a little bit hope.

Bad Blogger **Updated**

Yup that's me. I apologize for the hiatus. My job has been crazy. I've been traveling for work to exotic places like Southern Illinois!

No offense of course. If I look out my bedroom all I see for miles is cornfield too.

Anyways. Nothing new has happened. EXCEPT! This girl:

Celebrated a BIRTHDAY! Woohoo. Just multiply those candles by 10 and add 1.

Look at how freaking cute I was! Shouldn't I procreate? I think so too.

31 seems so much more depressing than 30 for some reason. I was still so close to 29 you know? Those optimal baby making twenties are now far out of view. Sigh. Obviously, infertility has sucked all joy out of birthdays.

On Monday, I will have both a Laproscopy and a Hysterscopy done. I will have a uterine catheter taped to my thigh. Lucky for me I get to drive 6.5 hours to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan two days later to give a speech... with a catheter taped to my thigh.

Let me tell you how excited I am about that. I am keeping my fingers crossed that these procedures do not leave me in too much pain. Any experiences out there?

**Update**
Thanks for the concerns on working so soon after the procedure. Unfortunately, its a little too late to back out of the work commitment now. However, I did convince a handsome younger man to drive me so I can relax on the drive. (Yes, my husband likes to point out the fact I'm 4 months older than him from the March-June period. It's a special time for him.)

Now we just have to hope that I can operate a computer and projector while on Darvocet, and speak without any obvious drooling or lapse of consciousness.

Oh and Happy St. Paddy's Day to all! You might notice that I am a fan of all things IRISH and typically I'd be elbows deep in Guinness. But this year I'm taking a break from the shenanigans due to oldness and tiredness. So it begins.

Slainte!

Leinenkugel Nostalgia

This beer tastes like College. Don't you love when senses can transport you in time?

Well, this Leinenkugel is taking me back to simpler times back before I knew my uterus looked like the surface of the moon and my eggs pitiful crybabies that don't do what they are told.

Tonight is for nostalgia I've decided. My husband got on a plane this morning off to Tel Aviv for 2 weeks. I miss him already.

Instead of my initial game plan of wallowing in self pity followed by a long stint plugged into my XBOX360, I've decided to summon a shadow of my former self.

I've thrown the snowman fleece jammies in the wash, and put on real clothes. (Bonus points for actually still fitting into my fav jeans!)

My cousin and I are going out to see a Tool Cover Band that will probably be God-awful but it'll be good fun to hang out with other people. They won't know that I am actually an INFERTILE HERMIT. Maybe I can forget for a night.

OK, just for a second I'm reverting back to INFERTILE HERMIT MODE:(**CCRM consult went well. I may have a crush on Dr. Surrey's personality, he was funny and warm without sounding like he was forcing it. I am starting to save my pennies. Due to the surgery and my ridiculous work schedule it looks like we are now shooting for July for the Stim cycle). END REVERT.

Bring on 1999 Reese. We're going out!

Anticipating Delays

Whew. Its been busy around here. I just got back from Texas and was disappointed to find everything appeared to be of normal size.

No matter how much I bitch about having to travel for my job (sorry N8). I do enjoy airports. I love people watching. My favorites included:

1. An absolutely beautiful British woman and her equally beautiful daughter. They were having the cutest conversations and she had a gorgeous long green jacket with an inlaid flower design that I was salivating over.
2. A Texan man on the shuttle bus, who boasted loudly about his apparent video work with the Superbowl. I think he was trying to impress the lady sitting next to him. It was pretty amusing.
3. An ~50 year old woman with the most amazing length of blond hair down to near her knees that was very carefully barrel curled. She was also wearing stone wash Brittanica Jeans and a Winnie the Pooh Sweatshirt. I was fairly certain she hopped a plane from 1983.

Now you will all think that people are staring at you while you are at the airport, and you would be right. I will be the moody looking 30 year old wearing an old band t-shirt, hooded sweatshirt pulled over her head, and ipod buds; looking like I think I'm cooler than I really am.

In infertility news, I have been scheduled for my UTE Cut-up on March 21st. I was kind of pissed that they had me wait to schedule until my period showed up only to delay me another month and inform me they'll have to put me on birth control. They couldn't have done this last month because.....

On Monday I have my consult with CCRM. I am pretty excited to spend my Valentine with Dr. Surrey @ 6:30 p.m. EST. I think I'll light some candles and pretend its a real date. I mean he may end up knocking me up so the least I can do is light some candles right? ...

Happy Valentines Day to all of you. I hope you all hug your loved ones tight.

Award!

I got my first Award! Woohoo!

Thanks to Christa at I Can't Control Everything, who just got a BFP on an IVF cycle that was quite the rollercoaster! Woohoo Christa!

The rules for accepting this award are:

1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you the award.

2. Share 7 things about yourself.

3. Award 15 other bloggers.

4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award.

7 Things About Myself

1. I use to be a dancer. No! Not THAT kind of dancer, though I can work a mean pole. I took ballet, lyrical and tap through high school and even was in an Irish Clogging Group in College.
2. I have a teaching degree even though I am not a Teacher (Yes! Michigan! and your complete lack of jobs). Despite that, I love my current job. I get to train software to school employees, so it is a bit like teaching, and I get to travel all over the country. AND when I'm not training, I get to work from home in my Jammies!
3 Always Sunny in Philadelphia cracks my s*it up. I love you Charlie.
4. I love my dog, Butters. He is a cuddlebug that lies between Mommy and Daddy on the couch and revels in belly rubs and attention.
5. I am a nerd. No seriously, I am. I have a Star Wars Collection. There I said it. You believe me now don't you. I actually started selling some of the most valuable pieces of my collection to help pay for all this infertility crap and it broke my heart. My hope is that our son or daughter will be as nerdy as their parents and will appreciate a well-maintained Star Wars collection. Or they will think their Mom is the most embarrassing person alive, which would also be ok with me.
6. My husband and I dated in high school for a short time and he dumped me....with a letter! Cool thing is I now get to bring this up whenever I want.
7. I once tore all the ligaments in my knee doing a very committed Macarena. OH MACARENA! I still have issues with my knee to this day.

15 of my favorite blogs! I love all you guys! You are my inspiration, and I believe it is kismet that we have been able to meet through this format and give each other support. In no particular order of course:

Inconceivable
Dreams and False Alarms
My Lazy Eggs
As Fast as my Baby Can
Venting Vagina
Where's my Fairytale Ending
Random Thoughts from Angie
Something happened on the way to Baby
Still a Guest Room
Cradles and Graves
My CCRM Journey
My World My Ramblings
The Birds and the Bees
More Room in my Heart
Miss Conception

In other news, I am just waiting for my next cycle to start so I can get this surgery scheduled as soon as possible. I think I can declare my period a little late at this point, so it is messing with my head. Hopefully, "she" will show up with the next two days. I am worried about timing, since I have to have the surgery when my lining is thin, but I have to go to Texas for work in two weeks. I am really hoping this doesn't have to be dragged out. Until next time dear bloggies.

Uterus of Doom

Imagine if you will that you are a young couple having trouble conceiving, you go through the normal tests, hormones, HSG, Saline Infusion Sonohystogram, etc.

You go through almost 3 years of poking and prodding, 3 years of changing your schedule, inconveniencing your work place, 3 IVF's failures, so many thousands of dollars that thinking about it makes you gag.

Only to find out that one of those routine tests wasn't very clear and they want you to do it again.

Sure. What's one more test right.

You might guess where this is going.

The Saline sonogram they did last week revealed a prevalent Uterine Septum.

I had to call them (since I haven't heard anything) to find this out. I will be scheduling a surgery to remove the septum as soon as my next cycle starts.

I wavering between anger that this wasn't discovered sooner and hope that this surgery may give us some kind of answer.

You know you are a desperate infertile when a nurse says the words Uterine Septum and you feel a bit of elation! That's something! Thats not unknown! Thats removable!

Where's the scapel lets get this uterus CUT up!

The WTF

Left me thinking..well, WTF?

I'm not a huge fan of my current RE. I found today's meeting extremely annoying.

He started out wanting to make clear that Donor Eggs were our best option for success.

He Repeated: Is that clear?

Forcing us to mimic.."Yes, that's clear" Guh.

After asking him about a possible PCOS diagnosis, he started to dismiss it, so I started spouting facts.

On both IVF 2 and IVF 3 I had a ton (over 20) measurable follicles. I almost hyperstimulated on this last one. I've had a least one Day 3 check where my LH was twice as high as my FSH. BUT, most of my follicles are immature.

He dismissed this, but since I have apparently NEVER been tested for male hormones, I have a new blood test to test for this. I'm sorry, but isn't this routine? Why haven't I had this done before?

Also, he said I never did a Saline Ultrasound Thingy. I definitely did one 2 years ago, but he must not have the paperwork anymore. So, he asked me to stay and have one done that day.

The Nurse that did the ultrasound did not say much so I'm not sure if everything looked normal for my uterus, but she did take some pictures of my ovaries and when looking at my left ovary mentioned "looks polycystic". And she was right. The ovary (which is usually hard to see) had a pearl necklace ring of follicles around it. However, the right looked normal, with one fat follicle growing in it?

Since I seem to ovulate and have relatively normal cycles, I probably do not have typical PCOS, but it still bugged me that he was so easily dismissive of it.

He wants me to wait to do IVF again. And repeatedly mentioned that he sees couples get pregnant naturally all the time even after doing treatments. I was seething by this point. I'm 30. I don't have fucking time to waste doing nothing. We have been trying "naturally" for almost 4 years. Something is wrong. Find it.

Oh I forgot. We know what's wrong. My eggs suck. He also said "Clearly there is an egg issue" OVER AND OVER AGAIN. He likes the word "clearly".

He wants me to gets some more tests done and do a Lap to see if I have any endometriosis. I often experience spotting prior to my period so I am concerned about that. The suck factor is that if they don't find any Endo during my Lap, I have to pay for the procedure out of pocket. If they find it then my insurance pays for it. Seriously, fuck you insurance.

I was extremely frustrated after the meeting and feel like a complete failure. I got the distinct feeling that my RE was giving up on me, that he doesn't really want me to come back there for an IVF with my own eggs.

I will be happy to make his wish come true.

A Surprising Call

At work today I got a voicemail from one of my first cousins. This is a very unusual occurrence, and I initially figured she had reached the end of her babysitting list, and was banking on me (even though I live over an hour away)...what happened instead was a complete shock to me.

A little background: Growing up, my sister, brother and I were all the "babies" of the family. All of my cousins were 6-15 years older than me, and lived in different cities, so we never became that close. I see my cousins a couple times a year at holidays when we all gather at my grandparents.

I was a bit hesitant to call her back. I have a tendency to say Yes to everything and figured I would be roped into babysitting (though I LOVE LOVE my little cousin, I was looking forward to a relaxing weekend doing nothing after a stressful workweek). But instead, my cousin informed me that she had heard through our family grapevine (which Facebook has turned into a gaping free-for-all) that I was having issues with my eggs. She wanted to let me know she has been an egg donor before and even though she is now 36 and considered too old, if I wanted to keep it in the family she would "give me her eggs".

I think I started balling on the spot. I am so grateful and honestly shocked that she would want to do this for us. I told her that we were trying again with my eggs but that I would keep her offer in mind.

I have always figured I would have to use an anonymous donation. My sister has a list of emotional issues longer than the Nile that requires her to take drugs I would never want her off of, so I have never considered using her eggs (though there was once a scare when she thought she was pregnant and she asked me that day in tears if I would raise the baby....whole other story. Ended up being a chemical..leaving her with a sense of relief and me with a strange sense of sadness). All of my other cousins (except this one) are in their 40's, and I wouldn't even really think to ask them even if they were younger.

So, I now have a new avenue to think about. I have never considered using a known donor in the past. Anybody out there with any advice on using known donors? I am now worried about a whole new bag of issues since the child would grow up knowing the donor and being a part of their life. How do you establish boundries? How do you talk to the child about their origins when an aunt or a cousin is the donor??

Whew! Hopefully these will all be thoughts for the wind someday, and this next cycle will produce a healthy baby from my own eggs.

For now I am happy? grateful? confused? to have this other option. Obviously I don't know how to feel.

All I can say is this process is so hard and you are often left making decisions that seem completely unfathomable.

I'm going to go do my thinking man pose and ponder. Happy weekend my fellow bloggies.

Happy New Year!

Well after a New Year's Eve that can only be described with this picture:

(Yup, that's me)

I had to come back to reality of everyday. Everyday involves my stressful job, which is amplified x100 at the beginning of the year. I hate that my job heavily involves knowing too much about the 4.2% FICA switch and reimbursing cafeteria Section 125 deductions--aren't you salivating to know more??

But what the hell, it pays the bills. And it will be paying for our most expensive journey yet... because I think, if possible, we will be going to CCRM.

The more I think about it, the more I want to KNOW I did everything. I went to the best and if the best can't get me pregnant, then maybe that will be the answer I need to move on.

I don't know how we will do it; and maybe I'll change my mind after my WTF (which has been moved up to next Tuesday) or after my phone consult with CCRM on Valentines day, but for today this is how I feel.

Last time I checked my bank account I did not have an extra 25k kicking around, so we would have to be approved for a loan. This is the roadblock I am most worried about.

That's not true. I'm most worried about coming out of 2011 without hope for the future, without any answers, and without a positive pregnancy test.

But for now, I'm holding out hope that I'll have to pass on that bottle of vodka when bringing in 2012.

Merry Thanksmuskah

First, I want to apologize for the delay in posting. The Holidays have been busy, and I haven't felt any epiphanies or realizations in the realm of infertility, so my blogging fingers have been quiet.

It was a great Christmas. I have been talking recently about taking some classes or at least reading some books about jewelry design. I have a particular aesthetic that revolves around old Victorian along with more modern elements, that I am sure stems from my recent steampunk art and literature fetish. Well, my husband shocked me by giving me a beautiful necklace that he designed and created himself. It has exposed clock parts and beautiful green jewel (green is my favorite, in fact my engagement ring is an emerald). I was seriously shocked and touched. He is so wonderful.

Enough gushing. Tomorrow I leave for the west side of Michigan to a rented cabin for New Years. In college, a great friendship developed between the groupies of my husbands band. We started getting together during college for drunken revelry and thanksgiving. It is always such a wonderful time of year, and we dubbed it Thanksmuskuh, since there are friends from all backgrounds. In the end, we have created a tradition that has lasted over a decade and I am going to live it up. 2010 can kiss my ass, but I will show it off with a bang.

Here's to 2011 and to dreams coming true in the new year.

My Perfect Cycle

My body cracks me up.

True to form, my cycle this month has been picture-perfect. My reproductive system is a full-on Monet. Sure it looks good from far away, but up close its a big mess. (Thank you Clueless).

In a move that brought on the creepy deja-vu heebie-jeebies, I restarted my fertilityfriend account and dug out my thermometer. My accupuncturist has decided she wants to see some charting, so she can more finely tune the Chinese herbs she is prescribing me.

Have I mentioned that these Chinese herbs taste like the ass of a tree. Well they do, so I'm not too excited about having a variety of tree ass to test my gag reflexes with twice a day. But, I'll do it. Just mark it down as one more thing we infertiles have to go through to achieve the same goal that Candy Crackwhore manages to achieve when accidently tripping in a semen-filled alley.

But I digress. My temps looked great. I had a dip yesterday, and also noted some great egg white goings-ons...and my temp shot up today. My Ovu-cue also detected ovulation as well. Day 15. Pretty perfect. Not that it matters of course.

It depresses me that I've never been pregnant, even once, even a little, even for a week. I am still left wondering, if my body is doing what it is suppose to do...what is wrong with me?

If I have terrible egg quality...Why? Has any RE in the history of RE-dum ever answered this question?

Sometimes I think my RE wants me to admit I lied on my paperwork and I'm actually older than I am, that way he could just blame it on my age and be done with it. But its hard to tell a 28 year old that her eggs suck because of her age. I'm afraid it's not going to be so hard to tell a 31 year old that...as my birthday is a short 3 months away :(

Oh well, I'm really not as bitter or depressed as this verbal diarrhea post may have you believe. I am excited for Christmas. I have some great presents to hand out this year and I am looking forward to spending some time with my wonderful family and being thankful for all the blessings I have in my life.

With that, I will leave you with this funny cartoon from Mompetition. I ran across her videos yesterday, and they crack me up. Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VY5ZDMLpXUU&feature=player_embedded

Consolers of the Lonley..

Infertility can be especially isolating for the introverted.

Books, movies and videogames currently hold more appeal to me than most people.

To be honest, it may be that these distractions are easier than
keeping up with high school and college friendships that have loss common bonds, as they achieve parenthood and I am left yearning for something they have started to take for granted.

During my first IVF, my immensely ignorant, delusional, and overly-confident self told my best high school friend (and maid of honor at my wedding) about my treatment.

We loss touch over the ensuing months, and when I spoke to her again, I was gearing up for IVF #2. Since she had been one of the few people I told about #1, I told her about my anticipation for IVF #2. Her response was "You've done this before"?

Nice huh?

I have a vague recollection of my ears turning red (one of the lovely side effects of my embarrassment and/or anger) and mumbling something dismissive trying to find a way to leave so I could go home and be by myself.

And since then, I've managed to stay by myself pretty well. This was helped when my workplace allowed me to start working from home. So now, not only am I a hermit, but I'm a hermit that doesn't even have to get out of her ultra sexy hermit snowman fleece pants.

I have kept my current infertility woes between myself (and N8 of course) and you lovely folks.

I didn't even have the heart to tell my Mom about this latest cycle, and my
in-laws in all their ultra-conservative Catholicism, I have decided to keep in the dark.

So really all I have to vent to is you, my consolers, and I am immensely grateful for your pixelated presence in my life.

Every once in awhile I need to put down my dragon slaying axe, or my newest steampunk paperback novel and face reality. I am infertile and lonely and it hurts.

Wow, reality sucks. I think I'll go back to dragon slaying. The villagers need me.

Songs for Happy

When I was younger I use to ask my Mom about the year I was born. I remember her once telling me that she would always remember 1980 for two reasons. She gave birth to her first child and John Lennon died.

At the 30th anniversary of his death, I still feel a pang of sadness. My Mom instilled in me a love for music at an early age, and I feel lucky that she had such great taste.

I mopped floors to blaring Led Zeppelin and washed dishes to Elton John. And the Beatles..the Beatles were everywhere.

Music is very important to me. I married a musician. (I will have a great post on how I managed to snag the sexiest musician on campus some other time.)
Now, he's an engineer by trade, but I know his passion is music.

I have been to more concerts than I could count. I use to spend every last dime I made in college on concert tickets. Practically every other weekend I was in Detroit or Chicago to see a show. (For the curious, The Flaming Lips on New Years will never be topped in my opinion).

Maybe its because I love music so much that it can affect me so. I did a few things this week to actively try to pull myself out of the depressive slump I've been in. I hung Christmas decorations and put up our tree, and I made a new mix of my favorite music that fills my heart with happy.

Maybe they could fill your heart with happy too! Don't you love presumptive people who believe you will love whatever they love??? Well, you're in luck because I'm one of those people!

Here is Reese's Cure for the Blues:

1. Sigur Ros - Gobbledigook. One of my favorite bands, even through I don't know a word of Icelandic. Every time I hear this song it just makes me smile. I look out the window of my home office and can't help but be overwhelmed with how beautiful my little piece of the world is.

2. Sufjan Stevens--Concerning the UFO sighting near Highland, IL. - Only Sufjan can make a song about Alien abductions beautiful.
Funny story about Sufjan Stevens. He grew up in Michigan and attended a Liberal Arts College with one of my friends I work with. When I discovered this fact I squealed and jumped around. She just shrugged "I think he was in my English class--He was a dirty hippy".
A DIRTY HIPPY! I stood there with my mouth open, trying to force syllables out of my mouth. She sat in English class with somebody I consider one of the greatest musicians alive today..and that is all she can say. Of course, I've tried to convert her to little avail. *Sigh* Don't worry I don't give up.

3. Phoenix--Love like a Sunset. I want to live inside this song.

Hope your day is happy and that if you find yourself in one of those dark places infertility sends us, that you have a beautiful song that can help pull you out. And if you do, please share! I'd love to know what songs help you out.

The 180

This morning I was still high on the words of the Hope Harpy that's been feeding me advice for the past week. I was still feeling A.O.K.

I'm not sure what triggered it. Was it SIRM's OBRS Success Rates.


I am a "B". That means my chance of success is about 29%. That means my chance of failure is about 71%. I was floored by this.

Or was it just the motion of my fingers typing "IVF #4 success" into Google and clicking "I feel lucky".

Suddenly, another version of myself, the 28 year old version of myself from a short 24 months ago saw me type IVF #4 and I couldn't help the rush of despair that came over me.

How the f*ck did I get here?

Who is this person?

How can I possibly be going into IVF #4.

I'm 30.

I have f*cking glowing FSH levels.

Why are my eggs always immature? Why has nobody given me an answer?

How can I keep doing this? How can I possibly look at my husband and tell him it didn't work again? I love him so much. I feel like such a failure. I feel irrecoverably damaged. There is something wrong with me. Something so wrong that IVF will not help me. This is how I feel today.

SIRM Consult

Happy Friday Internets. Your pixelated skin is positively glowing today!

I can honestly say I am feeling...fine. I think I've bounced back from this loss faster than my first two cycles. I'm getting good at this.

Not something I was hoping to excel at. Maybe Ballet, violin, or synchronized swimming? But no, I excel at processing pain and moving on. I think it may be my Irish Heritage. Nobody I know has been dealt with more pain in her life than my Mom, and she has to be the most gracious and warm (and stubborn) person I know. If shitty things happen, you just deal with it and move on. That'll be a fun topic for a gloomy day. But today is Friday so lets celebrate.

I had a good consult with SIRM yesterday. Dr. Fis.ch can sure talk, let me tell ya. But I liked what he had to say so it was all good.

He thinks I probably have some variation of PCOS. He thinks the A/ACP is a great protocol for me, but would not do estrogen priming with it like I did last time.

He would put me on birth control, and start out with a FSH only protocol at the beginning of stims and then add in some LH towards the end. (This is the opposite of what happened last month, my RE started me out with 225 Follistim, 225 Menupur and when my E2 started skyrocketing he dropped the Menupur. So I got LH at the beginning when its more likely to damage my follicles, instead of at the end when they need it more.) He also gave me a COMPLETE Biology lesson on why you do not want too much LH at the beginning of a cycle, especially if you have PCOS. It was interesting, but I was running out of ways to say "uh, huh" whenever he paused to make sure I was still listening. :)

He also said he would absolutely not recommend Donor Eggs for me at this point. I am young, and though it may take a few tries he is confident with the right protocol that good eggs can be produced.

I am going to bring all of this up with my RE. I hope I can anyways, I have a tendency to clam up when I feel like I might be critical..I don't want him to think I am criticizing him personally. I need to keep the goal in mind. This is about me getting pregnant...not his ego. Right? Right!

I think going to SIRM may be higher on our list than CCRM right now. I know CCRM's rep is great, but their prices are prohibitive. We are a straight up middle class couple, with very little extra cash to go around. We would definitely have to take out a loan to pay for any extra IVFs. SIRM would be a lot cheaper than CCRM and I think probably a better experience than my current RE. Plus they have some packages that help lower costs.

However, if my RE will take these recommendations and go with it, I may be convinced to go with him again just because it would be so much less disruptive with my job and would be incredibly less expensive than traveling anywhere else.

For right now, I feel closer to making a decision. Wish my WTF meeting wasn't so far away. I am anxious to KNOW NOW and get prepared.

With preparation in mind, I am going to get back on a diet I did at the start of this year that helped me lose 20 lbs. I could stand to lose 10-15 more before I'd be at my "ideal". I am also going to start my weekly accupuncture sessions. I miss them, and I definitely think they helped with this last cycle.

Ta-Ta for now!

Next Steps

In an earlier post I had mentioned that I usually have a Plan B in case of IVF failure. This plan B includes something nice to look forward to in order to help cushion the blow. IVF #2 Plan B resulted in the best little puppy-wuppy in the whole world. Who's the BEST PUPPY?? UR the BEST PUPPY! YES U ARE! YES U ARE!

Um...sorry. Ok where was I? Oh yes, Plan B for IVF #3. Well, I don't really have one.

At one point I wanted to get a tattoo to cover up the ill-advised "I'm 18 and I do what a want" tattoo I got on my back in 1998. I no longer really like it and its in the gag-worthy colors of purple and teal. I've wanted to get a whimsical, black silhouette tree. However, since the affects of tattoo ink in the bloodstream is pretty unstudied and unknown, I don't want to risk anything right now. So, that will have to wait until sometime later in life.

I think my plan B will just have to be my yearly cabin retreat at New Years with college friends, and the fact that I won't have to explain why I'm not drinking. To put it politely, me not drinking at this event would definitely be noteworthy.

I am also moving forward with our "next step" decision making. I have a consultation with SIRM on Thursday. I am thinking about coughing up the $250 to get a consult at CCRM. We'll see.

Unfortunately, I don't get my WTF appt with my current RE until 1/25. Guh. That is forever away. Especially since if we decide to go there again I would want to cycle in April, and that would mean starting Provera in February since he likes to have me on it for 2 months prior.

We'll see. I was definitely frustrated with his easy dismissal of me at our last WTF. I was hoping he wouldn't mention Donor Eggs, but it was about all he talked about. I know he wants me to have the best possible chance for success, but I wasn't ready to hear it, and I personally feel it was too soon to bring this up.

I think if this cycle had gone as poorly as the first two in terms of retrieval, fertilization, and quality of transfer, I would be looking at Donor Eggs a lot more closely. But since we had a great response, and some pretty good looking day 3 embryos, I would like to pursue this protocol some more and see if it can be tweaked at all to produce some more mature eggs (always a problem for me), and a larger batch of quality eggs. This cycle, even though it was negative, has given me more hope that it may still be possible with my eggs. At this point in time, that is all I need to keep going forward.

It won't be all I need for very long, but for right now it is.

I really hope that my RE is more optimistic when I meet with him in January. He has given us great discounts since we have had to do this multiple times, and staying with him is the option that makes the most sense financially and logistically. I just hope he makes me feel that it is the best decision emotionally as well. If he's an ass, I might push N8 to let us throw some big money at SIRM or CCRM. We'll see how those consults go.

Until next time...

IVF #3 BFN

I feel empty of hope. I don't think we'll be able to have a baby with my eggs. I thought I was prepared for this, but it is hitting me really hard.

I want to give my parents a genetic grandchild. I am their only chance.
I want a baby with my reddish hair, my Mom's shyness, my Dad's uncanny memory.

I want to not feel intense jealousy towards some unnamed, unknown woman when I think about donor eggs.

For now I think our options are:

1. Try again at our clinic in April. Because you know the old adage, "when at first you don't succeed, TRY TRY TRY again". Doesn't have the same ring, but oh well. This would be the cheapest next option.

2. Pull out the big guns. Get some credit cards. Go to CCRM and do a fresh cycle with the knowledge that if(/when) it doesn't work, we at least gave it everything we had.

3. Do a Donor Egg Cycle. Admit that my eggs just suck. No explanation needed. Doesn't matter that I'm only 30 (and remember they sucked at 28 too) They just suck for no reason and will never create a child. I know I will be able to get over my insecurities about a donor egg cycle. I know I have it in me. I will be so happy to give birth to a baby, to nurture it, to know my decision gave him or her life. Plus, they will have the best Daddy in the world.

I keep wavering between all 3. We'll see. Stay tuned. Thank you for all your support.

Ignorance is Bliss

When I went in for my retrieval 2 weeks ago today, my husband and I were put into a section of "rooms" that were divided by those sheet things.

Next door we could hear another couple who were clearly getting ready for their transfer. It also became clear that they were doing a 5 day transfer.

When the nurse came to visit them, the lady said something along the lines of, "My friend said I should ask about Blasto-sites".

N8 and I just kind of grinned at each other. "Blastocycsts" I whispered. "What a newb, psht". Even though it provided a little comic relief for us, it was also quite sad. Because I really envied this person.

It was her first IVF, she was doing a 5 day transfer, meaning she likely had some great blastocysts to put back. She would likely get pregnant and this experience would have a limited impact on her life. She would likely remain ignorant of so much, including the pain of multiple IVF failures.

I am now prolonging my own ignorance. I no longer want to know about this cycle.
Today I will celebrate Thanksgiving with my family, and I want to continue to remain ignorant as long as I can.

I've never waited until Beta day to find out and I doubt I will this time, but I am now thinking I will test on Saturday. For now, I will bask in this unique bliss of not knowing.

Hope all you and your families have a great Thanksgiving.

Put Down the Stick!

I have decided to put away the stick at least for 2 more days.

I am bowing down to my reader's superior wisdom and my own terror.

Thank you for all of your encouraging words and support. They mean more than you can know.

Not doing so well

Today is 7dp3dt and I have a confession to make. I am an obsessive POASer. Its shameful, I know. But I cannot help myself.

I had to take a booster shot at 2dp3dt, and so I started testing so I could tell when the booster was out of my system.

Well, the booster is definitively out of my system today.

Today the left line was Snow White, and she just became my least favorite Disney Princess. The bitch doesn't want to give up any of her little people.

I just spent the last hour bawling my eyes out. I am trying to hide it from my husband, because he only wants me to "think positive" and "hope for the best", but I am unable to do that right now.

I was really hoping I would see the line fade and then see it start to get darker. Tomorrow I will be using my last pee stick, and if Snow White insists on sticking around I don't know how much hope I can hold out for this cycle.

As far as symptoms go I am not sure I have had any that I haven't had before on other BFN cycles.

1. My boobs hurt like hell
2. I have been cramping on and off. I had an especially painful one that doubled me over yesterday while Christmas shopping that was surprising in its strength.
3. I sleep way too much and am still tired all the time.
4. The one *new symptom* would be clogged ears? Is that a symptom? I don't know, but its annoying. I feel like I'm underwater.

The symptom I want the most, I still do not have--Peeing on a stick and making it turn pink.