This morning I was still high on the words of the Hope Harpy that's been feeding me advice for the past week. I was still feeling A.O.K.
I'm not sure what triggered it. Was it SIRM's OBRS Success Rates.
I am a "B". That means my chance of success is about 29%. That means my chance of failure is about 71%. I was floored by this.
Or was it just the motion of my fingers typing "IVF #4 success" into Google and clicking "I feel lucky".
Suddenly, another version of myself, the 28 year old version of myself from a short 24 months ago saw me type IVF #4 and I couldn't help the rush of despair that came over me.
How the f*ck did I get here?
Who is this person?
How can I possibly be going into IVF #4.
I have f*cking glowing FSH levels.
Why are my eggs always immature? Why has nobody given me an answer?
How can I keep doing this? How can I possibly look at my husband and tell him it didn't work again? I love him so much. I feel like such a failure. I feel irrecoverably damaged. There is something wrong with me. Something so wrong that IVF will not help me. This is how I feel today.