Monday, December 6, 2010

The 180

This morning I was still high on the words of the Hope Harpy that's been feeding me advice for the past week. I was still feeling A.O.K.

I'm not sure what triggered it. Was it SIRM's OBRS Success Rates.

I am a "B". That means my chance of success is about 29%. That means my chance of failure is about 71%. I was floored by this.

Or was it just the motion of my fingers typing "IVF #4 success" into Google and clicking "I feel lucky".

Suddenly, another version of myself, the 28 year old version of myself from a short 24 months ago saw me type IVF #4 and I couldn't help the rush of despair that came over me.

How the f*ck did I get here?

Who is this person?

How can I possibly be going into IVF #4.

I'm 30.

I have f*cking glowing FSH levels.

Why are my eggs always immature? Why has nobody given me an answer?

How can I keep doing this? How can I possibly look at my husband and tell him it didn't work again? I love him so much. I feel like such a failure. I feel irrecoverably damaged. There is something wrong with me. Something so wrong that IVF will not help me. This is how I feel today.


  1. I am not at the IVF stage yet, but I know how you feel. I hate feeling like I am broken and like I let my husband down. These days are inevitable, but luckily they usually pass. Know that you are not alone and that you have a lot of support. I am praying for us both.

  2. I'm sorry you're having such a rough day. It's very easy to blame ourselves personally, but we know that's not how it works.

    I have also recently had issues with immature eggs despite excellent FSH. If I figure anything out, I'll definitely post it.

  3. Oh honey, my heart is hurting for you. Sorry you are in a rough patch...thinking of you!

  4. It's so frustrating how much we still DON'T know about fertility. You go into treatment thinking you'll finally get some answers and all the experts can say is "I dunno". So sorry. But I wonder if it's just taken a few tries for your docs to find a protocol that works for you? After all, you did get significantly better numbers on your last cycle. Maybe the knowledge gained from those three cycles is just what is needed to make the next one a win!

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  6. I can't say I know how you feel, but I can say that I feel just awful that this IVF didn't work. I hope that you continue to be strong and know that we're all here to support whatever you choose to do. (((hugs)))