Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Consolers of the Lonley..

Infertility can be especially isolating for the introverted.

Books, movies and videogames currently hold more appeal to me than most people.

To be honest, it may be that these distractions are easier than
keeping up with high school and college friendships that have loss common bonds, as they achieve parenthood and I am left yearning for something they have started to take for granted.

During my first IVF, my immensely ignorant, delusional, and overly-confident self told my best high school friend (and maid of honor at my wedding) about my treatment.

We loss touch over the ensuing months, and when I spoke to her again, I was gearing up for IVF #2. Since she had been one of the few people I told about #1, I told her about my anticipation for IVF #2. Her response was "You've done this before"?

Nice huh?

I have a vague recollection of my ears turning red (one of the lovely side effects of my embarrassment and/or anger) and mumbling something dismissive trying to find a way to leave so I could go home and be by myself.

And since then, I've managed to stay by myself pretty well. This was helped when my workplace allowed me to start working from home. So now, not only am I a hermit, but I'm a hermit that doesn't even have to get out of her ultra sexy hermit snowman fleece pants.

I have kept my current infertility woes between myself (and N8 of course) and you lovely folks.

I didn't even have the heart to tell my Mom about this latest cycle, and my
in-laws in all their ultra-conservative Catholicism, I have decided to keep in the dark.

So really all I have to vent to is you, my consolers, and I am immensely grateful for your pixelated presence in my life.

Every once in awhile I need to put down my dragon slaying axe, or my newest steampunk paperback novel and face reality. I am infertile and lonely and it hurts.

Wow, reality sucks. I think I'll go back to dragon slaying. The villagers need me.


  1. Thinking of you and glad you at least have this community!

  2. Sorry hun! Wish I could say I understand the failure of IVF, but I haven't gotten to that point yet.
    I DO understand plain failure however as well as being lonely. It's a very isolating thing to be weighed down with.
    I hope you are okay and maybe think about telling one person you really trust. I have a couple people that are there to listen in real life and it does help.
    Thinking of you.


  3. Greetings from a fellow infertile introvert in the frozen North. I too learned pretty quickly to keep all the drama to myself because of the lack of understanding and the stupid comments I'd get. People are dumb. Who needs 'em, right?

  4. I'm sorry you're having a lonely time of it. Most people in my life do not know because I don't want a ton of questions. And I don't want to be the topic of their gossip, so I just choose to be private. When I say private, there are still about a dozen family members/friends who DO know, but I am even reserved from them as much as possible. You have to do what makes you comfortable, and if it's just sharing online with other ladies who "get it," that's ok too. Hope tomorrow is a better day.

  5. I just found your blog...am about to start IVF #3 or #4 if you count my FET earlier this year. It is so isolating to be so far out here..in the realm where no-one *really* knows your pain. It is easier to pull inside because the platitudes that people give you are just meaningless. I find that reading female protaganist during wars is heartening...to hear about people that struggle through awful things and survive.

    Also, I'm trying to decide between SIRM, RMA and Cornell, too. And, being NOT WEALTHY...I think we might go to RMA b/c we have insurance coverage.

  6. I too feel very alone some days and isolated. A few family members know we are "seeing the doctor for help", but no idea about the shots and invasive exams and stressful travel that we have had to endure. Some days I think I should just open it all up and tell everyone. But then I relize that I would be asked about my journey, my results, my next steps all the time.

    So I clam up again, shut my mouth and sit back. It's hard to do. So hard.