Award!

I got my first Award! Woohoo!

Thanks to Christa at I Can't Control Everything, who just got a BFP on an IVF cycle that was quite the rollercoaster! Woohoo Christa!

The rules for accepting this award are:

1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you the award.

2. Share 7 things about yourself.

3. Award 15 other bloggers.

4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award.

7 Things About Myself

1. I use to be a dancer. No! Not THAT kind of dancer, though I can work a mean pole. I took ballet, lyrical and tap through high school and even was in an Irish Clogging Group in College.
2. I have a teaching degree even though I am not a Teacher (Yes! Michigan! and your complete lack of jobs). Despite that, I love my current job. I get to train software to school employees, so it is a bit like teaching, and I get to travel all over the country. AND when I'm not training, I get to work from home in my Jammies!
3 Always Sunny in Philadelphia cracks my s*it up. I love you Charlie.
4. I love my dog, Butters. He is a cuddlebug that lies between Mommy and Daddy on the couch and revels in belly rubs and attention.
5. I am a nerd. No seriously, I am. I have a Star Wars Collection. There I said it. You believe me now don't you. I actually started selling some of the most valuable pieces of my collection to help pay for all this infertility crap and it broke my heart. My hope is that our son or daughter will be as nerdy as their parents and will appreciate a well-maintained Star Wars collection. Or they will think their Mom is the most embarrassing person alive, which would also be ok with me.
6. My husband and I dated in high school for a short time and he dumped me....with a letter! Cool thing is I now get to bring this up whenever I want.
7. I once tore all the ligaments in my knee doing a very committed Macarena. OH MACARENA! I still have issues with my knee to this day.

15 of my favorite blogs! I love all you guys! You are my inspiration, and I believe it is kismet that we have been able to meet through this format and give each other support. In no particular order of course:

Inconceivable
Dreams and False Alarms
My Lazy Eggs
As Fast as my Baby Can
Venting Vagina
Where's my Fairytale Ending
Random Thoughts from Angie
Something happened on the way to Baby
Still a Guest Room
Cradles and Graves
My CCRM Journey
My World My Ramblings
The Birds and the Bees
More Room in my Heart
Miss Conception

In other news, I am just waiting for my next cycle to start so I can get this surgery scheduled as soon as possible. I think I can declare my period a little late at this point, so it is messing with my head. Hopefully, "she" will show up with the next two days. I am worried about timing, since I have to have the surgery when my lining is thin, but I have to go to Texas for work in two weeks. I am really hoping this doesn't have to be dragged out. Until next time dear bloggies.

Uterus of Doom

Imagine if you will that you are a young couple having trouble conceiving, you go through the normal tests, hormones, HSG, Saline Infusion Sonohystogram, etc.

You go through almost 3 years of poking and prodding, 3 years of changing your schedule, inconveniencing your work place, 3 IVF's failures, so many thousands of dollars that thinking about it makes you gag.

Only to find out that one of those routine tests wasn't very clear and they want you to do it again.

Sure. What's one more test right.

You might guess where this is going.

The Saline sonogram they did last week revealed a prevalent Uterine Septum.

I had to call them (since I haven't heard anything) to find this out. I will be scheduling a surgery to remove the septum as soon as my next cycle starts.

I wavering between anger that this wasn't discovered sooner and hope that this surgery may give us some kind of answer.

You know you are a desperate infertile when a nurse says the words Uterine Septum and you feel a bit of elation! That's something! Thats not unknown! Thats removable!

Where's the scapel lets get this uterus CUT up!

The WTF

Left me thinking..well, WTF?

I'm not a huge fan of my current RE. I found today's meeting extremely annoying.

He started out wanting to make clear that Donor Eggs were our best option for success.

He Repeated: Is that clear?

Forcing us to mimic.."Yes, that's clear" Guh.

After asking him about a possible PCOS diagnosis, he started to dismiss it, so I started spouting facts.

On both IVF 2 and IVF 3 I had a ton (over 20) measurable follicles. I almost hyperstimulated on this last one. I've had a least one Day 3 check where my LH was twice as high as my FSH. BUT, most of my follicles are immature.

He dismissed this, but since I have apparently NEVER been tested for male hormones, I have a new blood test to test for this. I'm sorry, but isn't this routine? Why haven't I had this done before?

Also, he said I never did a Saline Ultrasound Thingy. I definitely did one 2 years ago, but he must not have the paperwork anymore. So, he asked me to stay and have one done that day.

The Nurse that did the ultrasound did not say much so I'm not sure if everything looked normal for my uterus, but she did take some pictures of my ovaries and when looking at my left ovary mentioned "looks polycystic". And she was right. The ovary (which is usually hard to see) had a pearl necklace ring of follicles around it. However, the right looked normal, with one fat follicle growing in it?

Since I seem to ovulate and have relatively normal cycles, I probably do not have typical PCOS, but it still bugged me that he was so easily dismissive of it.

He wants me to wait to do IVF again. And repeatedly mentioned that he sees couples get pregnant naturally all the time even after doing treatments. I was seething by this point. I'm 30. I don't have fucking time to waste doing nothing. We have been trying "naturally" for almost 4 years. Something is wrong. Find it.

Oh I forgot. We know what's wrong. My eggs suck. He also said "Clearly there is an egg issue" OVER AND OVER AGAIN. He likes the word "clearly".

He wants me to gets some more tests done and do a Lap to see if I have any endometriosis. I often experience spotting prior to my period so I am concerned about that. The suck factor is that if they don't find any Endo during my Lap, I have to pay for the procedure out of pocket. If they find it then my insurance pays for it. Seriously, fuck you insurance.

I was extremely frustrated after the meeting and feel like a complete failure. I got the distinct feeling that my RE was giving up on me, that he doesn't really want me to come back there for an IVF with my own eggs.

I will be happy to make his wish come true.

A Surprising Call

At work today I got a voicemail from one of my first cousins. This is a very unusual occurrence, and I initially figured she had reached the end of her babysitting list, and was banking on me (even though I live over an hour away)...what happened instead was a complete shock to me.

A little background: Growing up, my sister, brother and I were all the "babies" of the family. All of my cousins were 6-15 years older than me, and lived in different cities, so we never became that close. I see my cousins a couple times a year at holidays when we all gather at my grandparents.

I was a bit hesitant to call her back. I have a tendency to say Yes to everything and figured I would be roped into babysitting (though I LOVE LOVE my little cousin, I was looking forward to a relaxing weekend doing nothing after a stressful workweek). But instead, my cousin informed me that she had heard through our family grapevine (which Facebook has turned into a gaping free-for-all) that I was having issues with my eggs. She wanted to let me know she has been an egg donor before and even though she is now 36 and considered too old, if I wanted to keep it in the family she would "give me her eggs".

I think I started balling on the spot. I am so grateful and honestly shocked that she would want to do this for us. I told her that we were trying again with my eggs but that I would keep her offer in mind.

I have always figured I would have to use an anonymous donation. My sister has a list of emotional issues longer than the Nile that requires her to take drugs I would never want her off of, so I have never considered using her eggs (though there was once a scare when she thought she was pregnant and she asked me that day in tears if I would raise the baby....whole other story. Ended up being a chemical..leaving her with a sense of relief and me with a strange sense of sadness). All of my other cousins (except this one) are in their 40's, and I wouldn't even really think to ask them even if they were younger.

So, I now have a new avenue to think about. I have never considered using a known donor in the past. Anybody out there with any advice on using known donors? I am now worried about a whole new bag of issues since the child would grow up knowing the donor and being a part of their life. How do you establish boundries? How do you talk to the child about their origins when an aunt or a cousin is the donor??

Whew! Hopefully these will all be thoughts for the wind someday, and this next cycle will produce a healthy baby from my own eggs.

For now I am happy? grateful? confused? to have this other option. Obviously I don't know how to feel.

All I can say is this process is so hard and you are often left making decisions that seem completely unfathomable.

I'm going to go do my thinking man pose and ponder. Happy weekend my fellow bloggies.

Happy New Year!

Well after a New Year's Eve that can only be described with this picture:

(Yup, that's me)

I had to come back to reality of everyday. Everyday involves my stressful job, which is amplified x100 at the beginning of the year. I hate that my job heavily involves knowing too much about the 4.2% FICA switch and reimbursing cafeteria Section 125 deductions--aren't you salivating to know more??

But what the hell, it pays the bills. And it will be paying for our most expensive journey yet... because I think, if possible, we will be going to CCRM.

The more I think about it, the more I want to KNOW I did everything. I went to the best and if the best can't get me pregnant, then maybe that will be the answer I need to move on.

I don't know how we will do it; and maybe I'll change my mind after my WTF (which has been moved up to next Tuesday) or after my phone consult with CCRM on Valentines day, but for today this is how I feel.

Last time I checked my bank account I did not have an extra 25k kicking around, so we would have to be approved for a loan. This is the roadblock I am most worried about.

That's not true. I'm most worried about coming out of 2011 without hope for the future, without any answers, and without a positive pregnancy test.

But for now, I'm holding out hope that I'll have to pass on that bottle of vodka when bringing in 2012.