Post Op: Laproscopy and Hysteroscopy

I know so much more today than I knew yesterday, and for that I am grateful.

1. I definitely had a uterine septum. It has been removed.
2. I definitely had (have) endometriosis. It has been lasered away.

This is going to be a very clinical post, not only to document the surgery for myself but to hopefully help others know what to expect.

I was put under general anesthesia with a breathing tube. They put the breathing tube in after I was out, and took it out before I came to, so besides a scratchy throat, I was never aware of it.

For the Laproscopy, a small incision was made right below my belly button. I have a bandaid covering it, so it is likely quite small. Depending on what the doctors find from this cut, they will make further incisions to help clean away any endo.

I had two additional cuts made right above my pubic line, and to the far right side of my abdomen (possible connection to "possible partial blockage of right tube" that was my first infertility diagnosis ever in 2008?)

These incisions did hurt when I first woke up, but they did give me my first dose of vicadin and that helped right away.

I also had a Hysterscopy to deal with the Uterine Septum. Since a septum was discovered and cut away, a balloon catheter was inserted into my uterus and blown up so that the lining can grow back in correctly. The catheter line is taped to my thigh and is larger than I was expecting. I am anticipating having to wear a long belted sweater to my speech on Thursday with loose pants, so that it is not noticeable.

Strangely the most pain has come from my shoulder and ribs. They have explained that this discomfort comes from all the gas (I am guessing from the Hysteroscopy). This apparently puts pressure against nerve points that make your shoulder ache. Sounds weird, but its true.

I will learn more next Tuesday at my post-op appointment where I will also get the catheter removed.

I am curious to know my doctors honest opinion on how much these two factors have had on my infertility. Should we try "naturally" for awhile?

At this point I am still planning on doing a cycle at CCRM in August, but of course I will be praying for a miracle in the meantime. This process has given me back a little bit hope.

Bad Blogger **Updated**

Yup that's me. I apologize for the hiatus. My job has been crazy. I've been traveling for work to exotic places like Southern Illinois!

No offense of course. If I look out my bedroom all I see for miles is cornfield too.

Anyways. Nothing new has happened. EXCEPT! This girl:

Celebrated a BIRTHDAY! Woohoo. Just multiply those candles by 10 and add 1.

Look at how freaking cute I was! Shouldn't I procreate? I think so too.

31 seems so much more depressing than 30 for some reason. I was still so close to 29 you know? Those optimal baby making twenties are now far out of view. Sigh. Obviously, infertility has sucked all joy out of birthdays.

On Monday, I will have both a Laproscopy and a Hysterscopy done. I will have a uterine catheter taped to my thigh. Lucky for me I get to drive 6.5 hours to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan two days later to give a speech... with a catheter taped to my thigh.

Let me tell you how excited I am about that. I am keeping my fingers crossed that these procedures do not leave me in too much pain. Any experiences out there?

**Update**
Thanks for the concerns on working so soon after the procedure. Unfortunately, its a little too late to back out of the work commitment now. However, I did convince a handsome younger man to drive me so I can relax on the drive. (Yes, my husband likes to point out the fact I'm 4 months older than him from the March-June period. It's a special time for him.)

Now we just have to hope that I can operate a computer and projector while on Darvocet, and speak without any obvious drooling or lapse of consciousness.

Oh and Happy St. Paddy's Day to all! You might notice that I am a fan of all things IRISH and typically I'd be elbows deep in Guinness. But this year I'm taking a break from the shenanigans due to oldness and tiredness. So it begins.

Slainte!

Leinenkugel Nostalgia

This beer tastes like College. Don't you love when senses can transport you in time?

Well, this Leinenkugel is taking me back to simpler times back before I knew my uterus looked like the surface of the moon and my eggs pitiful crybabies that don't do what they are told.

Tonight is for nostalgia I've decided. My husband got on a plane this morning off to Tel Aviv for 2 weeks. I miss him already.

Instead of my initial game plan of wallowing in self pity followed by a long stint plugged into my XBOX360, I've decided to summon a shadow of my former self.

I've thrown the snowman fleece jammies in the wash, and put on real clothes. (Bonus points for actually still fitting into my fav jeans!)

My cousin and I are going out to see a Tool Cover Band that will probably be God-awful but it'll be good fun to hang out with other people. They won't know that I am actually an INFERTILE HERMIT. Maybe I can forget for a night.

OK, just for a second I'm reverting back to INFERTILE HERMIT MODE:(**CCRM consult went well. I may have a crush on Dr. Surrey's personality, he was funny and warm without sounding like he was forcing it. I am starting to save my pennies. Due to the surgery and my ridiculous work schedule it looks like we are now shooting for July for the Stim cycle). END REVERT.

Bring on 1999 Reese. We're going out!

Anticipating Delays

Whew. Its been busy around here. I just got back from Texas and was disappointed to find everything appeared to be of normal size.

No matter how much I bitch about having to travel for my job (sorry N8). I do enjoy airports. I love people watching. My favorites included:

1. An absolutely beautiful British woman and her equally beautiful daughter. They were having the cutest conversations and she had a gorgeous long green jacket with an inlaid flower design that I was salivating over.
2. A Texan man on the shuttle bus, who boasted loudly about his apparent video work with the Superbowl. I think he was trying to impress the lady sitting next to him. It was pretty amusing.
3. An ~50 year old woman with the most amazing length of blond hair down to near her knees that was very carefully barrel curled. She was also wearing stone wash Brittanica Jeans and a Winnie the Pooh Sweatshirt. I was fairly certain she hopped a plane from 1983.

Now you will all think that people are staring at you while you are at the airport, and you would be right. I will be the moody looking 30 year old wearing an old band t-shirt, hooded sweatshirt pulled over her head, and ipod buds; looking like I think I'm cooler than I really am.

In infertility news, I have been scheduled for my UTE Cut-up on March 21st. I was kind of pissed that they had me wait to schedule until my period showed up only to delay me another month and inform me they'll have to put me on birth control. They couldn't have done this last month because.....

On Monday I have my consult with CCRM. I am pretty excited to spend my Valentine with Dr. Surrey @ 6:30 p.m. EST. I think I'll light some candles and pretend its a real date. I mean he may end up knocking me up so the least I can do is light some candles right? ...

Happy Valentines Day to all of you. I hope you all hug your loved ones tight.

Award!

I got my first Award! Woohoo!

Thanks to Christa at I Can't Control Everything, who just got a BFP on an IVF cycle that was quite the rollercoaster! Woohoo Christa!

The rules for accepting this award are:

1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you the award.

2. Share 7 things about yourself.

3. Award 15 other bloggers.

4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award.

7 Things About Myself

1. I use to be a dancer. No! Not THAT kind of dancer, though I can work a mean pole. I took ballet, lyrical and tap through high school and even was in an Irish Clogging Group in College.
2. I have a teaching degree even though I am not a Teacher (Yes! Michigan! and your complete lack of jobs). Despite that, I love my current job. I get to train software to school employees, so it is a bit like teaching, and I get to travel all over the country. AND when I'm not training, I get to work from home in my Jammies!
3 Always Sunny in Philadelphia cracks my s*it up. I love you Charlie.
4. I love my dog, Butters. He is a cuddlebug that lies between Mommy and Daddy on the couch and revels in belly rubs and attention.
5. I am a nerd. No seriously, I am. I have a Star Wars Collection. There I said it. You believe me now don't you. I actually started selling some of the most valuable pieces of my collection to help pay for all this infertility crap and it broke my heart. My hope is that our son or daughter will be as nerdy as their parents and will appreciate a well-maintained Star Wars collection. Or they will think their Mom is the most embarrassing person alive, which would also be ok with me.
6. My husband and I dated in high school for a short time and he dumped me....with a letter! Cool thing is I now get to bring this up whenever I want.
7. I once tore all the ligaments in my knee doing a very committed Macarena. OH MACARENA! I still have issues with my knee to this day.

15 of my favorite blogs! I love all you guys! You are my inspiration, and I believe it is kismet that we have been able to meet through this format and give each other support. In no particular order of course:

Inconceivable
Dreams and False Alarms
My Lazy Eggs
As Fast as my Baby Can
Venting Vagina
Where's my Fairytale Ending
Random Thoughts from Angie
Something happened on the way to Baby
Still a Guest Room
Cradles and Graves
My CCRM Journey
My World My Ramblings
The Birds and the Bees
More Room in my Heart
Miss Conception

In other news, I am just waiting for my next cycle to start so I can get this surgery scheduled as soon as possible. I think I can declare my period a little late at this point, so it is messing with my head. Hopefully, "she" will show up with the next two days. I am worried about timing, since I have to have the surgery when my lining is thin, but I have to go to Texas for work in two weeks. I am really hoping this doesn't have to be dragged out. Until next time dear bloggies.

Uterus of Doom

Imagine if you will that you are a young couple having trouble conceiving, you go through the normal tests, hormones, HSG, Saline Infusion Sonohystogram, etc.

You go through almost 3 years of poking and prodding, 3 years of changing your schedule, inconveniencing your work place, 3 IVF's failures, so many thousands of dollars that thinking about it makes you gag.

Only to find out that one of those routine tests wasn't very clear and they want you to do it again.

Sure. What's one more test right.

You might guess where this is going.

The Saline sonogram they did last week revealed a prevalent Uterine Septum.

I had to call them (since I haven't heard anything) to find this out. I will be scheduling a surgery to remove the septum as soon as my next cycle starts.

I wavering between anger that this wasn't discovered sooner and hope that this surgery may give us some kind of answer.

You know you are a desperate infertile when a nurse says the words Uterine Septum and you feel a bit of elation! That's something! Thats not unknown! Thats removable!

Where's the scapel lets get this uterus CUT up!

The WTF

Left me thinking..well, WTF?

I'm not a huge fan of my current RE. I found today's meeting extremely annoying.

He started out wanting to make clear that Donor Eggs were our best option for success.

He Repeated: Is that clear?

Forcing us to mimic.."Yes, that's clear" Guh.

After asking him about a possible PCOS diagnosis, he started to dismiss it, so I started spouting facts.

On both IVF 2 and IVF 3 I had a ton (over 20) measurable follicles. I almost hyperstimulated on this last one. I've had a least one Day 3 check where my LH was twice as high as my FSH. BUT, most of my follicles are immature.

He dismissed this, but since I have apparently NEVER been tested for male hormones, I have a new blood test to test for this. I'm sorry, but isn't this routine? Why haven't I had this done before?

Also, he said I never did a Saline Ultrasound Thingy. I definitely did one 2 years ago, but he must not have the paperwork anymore. So, he asked me to stay and have one done that day.

The Nurse that did the ultrasound did not say much so I'm not sure if everything looked normal for my uterus, but she did take some pictures of my ovaries and when looking at my left ovary mentioned "looks polycystic". And she was right. The ovary (which is usually hard to see) had a pearl necklace ring of follicles around it. However, the right looked normal, with one fat follicle growing in it?

Since I seem to ovulate and have relatively normal cycles, I probably do not have typical PCOS, but it still bugged me that he was so easily dismissive of it.

He wants me to wait to do IVF again. And repeatedly mentioned that he sees couples get pregnant naturally all the time even after doing treatments. I was seething by this point. I'm 30. I don't have fucking time to waste doing nothing. We have been trying "naturally" for almost 4 years. Something is wrong. Find it.

Oh I forgot. We know what's wrong. My eggs suck. He also said "Clearly there is an egg issue" OVER AND OVER AGAIN. He likes the word "clearly".

He wants me to gets some more tests done and do a Lap to see if I have any endometriosis. I often experience spotting prior to my period so I am concerned about that. The suck factor is that if they don't find any Endo during my Lap, I have to pay for the procedure out of pocket. If they find it then my insurance pays for it. Seriously, fuck you insurance.

I was extremely frustrated after the meeting and feel like a complete failure. I got the distinct feeling that my RE was giving up on me, that he doesn't really want me to come back there for an IVF with my own eggs.

I will be happy to make his wish come true.

A Surprising Call

At work today I got a voicemail from one of my first cousins. This is a very unusual occurrence, and I initially figured she had reached the end of her babysitting list, and was banking on me (even though I live over an hour away)...what happened instead was a complete shock to me.

A little background: Growing up, my sister, brother and I were all the "babies" of the family. All of my cousins were 6-15 years older than me, and lived in different cities, so we never became that close. I see my cousins a couple times a year at holidays when we all gather at my grandparents.

I was a bit hesitant to call her back. I have a tendency to say Yes to everything and figured I would be roped into babysitting (though I LOVE LOVE my little cousin, I was looking forward to a relaxing weekend doing nothing after a stressful workweek). But instead, my cousin informed me that she had heard through our family grapevine (which Facebook has turned into a gaping free-for-all) that I was having issues with my eggs. She wanted to let me know she has been an egg donor before and even though she is now 36 and considered too old, if I wanted to keep it in the family she would "give me her eggs".

I think I started balling on the spot. I am so grateful and honestly shocked that she would want to do this for us. I told her that we were trying again with my eggs but that I would keep her offer in mind.

I have always figured I would have to use an anonymous donation. My sister has a list of emotional issues longer than the Nile that requires her to take drugs I would never want her off of, so I have never considered using her eggs (though there was once a scare when she thought she was pregnant and she asked me that day in tears if I would raise the baby....whole other story. Ended up being a chemical..leaving her with a sense of relief and me with a strange sense of sadness). All of my other cousins (except this one) are in their 40's, and I wouldn't even really think to ask them even if they were younger.

So, I now have a new avenue to think about. I have never considered using a known donor in the past. Anybody out there with any advice on using known donors? I am now worried about a whole new bag of issues since the child would grow up knowing the donor and being a part of their life. How do you establish boundries? How do you talk to the child about their origins when an aunt or a cousin is the donor??

Whew! Hopefully these will all be thoughts for the wind someday, and this next cycle will produce a healthy baby from my own eggs.

For now I am happy? grateful? confused? to have this other option. Obviously I don't know how to feel.

All I can say is this process is so hard and you are often left making decisions that seem completely unfathomable.

I'm going to go do my thinking man pose and ponder. Happy weekend my fellow bloggies.

Happy New Year!

Well after a New Year's Eve that can only be described with this picture:

(Yup, that's me)

I had to come back to reality of everyday. Everyday involves my stressful job, which is amplified x100 at the beginning of the year. I hate that my job heavily involves knowing too much about the 4.2% FICA switch and reimbursing cafeteria Section 125 deductions--aren't you salivating to know more??

But what the hell, it pays the bills. And it will be paying for our most expensive journey yet... because I think, if possible, we will be going to CCRM.

The more I think about it, the more I want to KNOW I did everything. I went to the best and if the best can't get me pregnant, then maybe that will be the answer I need to move on.

I don't know how we will do it; and maybe I'll change my mind after my WTF (which has been moved up to next Tuesday) or after my phone consult with CCRM on Valentines day, but for today this is how I feel.

Last time I checked my bank account I did not have an extra 25k kicking around, so we would have to be approved for a loan. This is the roadblock I am most worried about.

That's not true. I'm most worried about coming out of 2011 without hope for the future, without any answers, and without a positive pregnancy test.

But for now, I'm holding out hope that I'll have to pass on that bottle of vodka when bringing in 2012.