Saturday, November 27, 2010


I feel empty of hope. I don't think we'll be able to have a baby with my eggs. I thought I was prepared for this, but it is hitting me really hard.

I want to give my parents a genetic grandchild. I am their only chance.
I want a baby with my reddish hair, my Mom's shyness, my Dad's uncanny memory.

I want to not feel intense jealousy towards some unnamed, unknown woman when I think about donor eggs.

For now I think our options are:

1. Try again at our clinic in April. Because you know the old adage, "when at first you don't succeed, TRY TRY TRY again". Doesn't have the same ring, but oh well. This would be the cheapest next option.

2. Pull out the big guns. Get some credit cards. Go to CCRM and do a fresh cycle with the knowledge that if(/when) it doesn't work, we at least gave it everything we had.

3. Do a Donor Egg Cycle. Admit that my eggs just suck. No explanation needed. Doesn't matter that I'm only 30 (and remember they sucked at 28 too) They just suck for no reason and will never create a child. I know I will be able to get over my insecurities about a donor egg cycle. I know I have it in me. I will be so happy to give birth to a baby, to nurture it, to know my decision gave him or her life. Plus, they will have the best Daddy in the world.

I keep wavering between all 3. We'll see. Stay tuned. Thank you for all your support.


  1. Gees man I am so very sorry, recovering from a BFN is terrible.

    I know you have read my blog, I was exactly where you were, 4 IVF failures (and a m/c) and we started DE (I was 30 at the time). Best thing I ever did was get a second opinion. After being told my eggs were crap and our sperm was crap we are now expecting trips with our own eggs and sperm. I just want to say that I remember oh so vividly what you are going through now and not believing I could have a genetic child.

    Pls get another opinion and ask about immune related tests.

    Pls know that even though Im on the other side of the world that I am thinking about you, I know the desperation and hurt so well. Pls read my blog again to see the journey we had, which sounds so very similar to yours.

  2. oh no! i'm so so sorry!

    i agree with the PP! definitely get a 2nd opinion. have you had the full workup of tests: karyotyping, thrombophilia panel, immune testing? i had all of these plus a hysteroscopy and uterine biopsies. you can also consider PGD/PGS/CGH testing on your embryos to make sure you're putting normal embryos back. i tried all of the above and i find out monday if it helped!

    hang in there and take good care of yourself. good luck with your next steps. i'll be following along.

  3. Stopping by via ICLW...I'm so sorry you're dealing with a BFN and these very difficult options. I understand well the pain of letting go of having a biological child, after losing our daughter following our first IVF we are moving forward with embryo adoption. It was a painful process to let go of that desire to have a biological child, but after working through that process I'm thankful we live in a time that this is an option for us.
    Wishing you strength and hope as you move forward and that you're able to find the path that is right for you.

  4. Ah shit. I'm so sorry Teresa. I know your pain and difficult decisions you have. I'm thinking of you.

  5. I am so sorry. These must be such difficult decisions...thinking about you as you move forward.

  6. Every BFN is a knife to the heart, especially when it comes bearing suitcases of feelings like that :( I sure hope that whatever you choose to do next brings the opposite of BFN....

  7. I've been through my fair share of BFN's, but never one from IVF. I can only imagine. I am sorry you have to go through this. Whatever you decide to do, we are here for support.

  8. I'm so so sorry!! I'm expecting a BFN on Thursday and there are just no words for this kind of heartbreak. It's good to know you still have some options, but it's so hard to figure out what to choose (and how to pay for it!)once you get to this point. I hope the best choice somehow makes itself obvious.

  9. I am so sorry for your BFN, and we are in a very similar spot right now as far as what to do next. I will follow your journey and let's support each other through this to the other side.