I feel empty of hope. I don't think we'll be able to have a baby with my eggs. I thought I was prepared for this, but it is hitting me really hard.
I want to give my parents a genetic grandchild. I am their only chance.
I want a baby with my reddish hair, my Mom's shyness, my Dad's uncanny memory.
I want to not feel intense jealousy towards some unnamed, unknown woman when I think about donor eggs.
For now I think our options are:
1. Try again at our clinic in April. Because you know the old adage, "when at first you don't succeed, TRY TRY TRY again". Doesn't have the same ring, but oh well. This would be the cheapest next option.
2. Pull out the big guns. Get some credit cards. Go to CCRM and do a fresh cycle with the knowledge that if(/when) it doesn't work, we at least gave it everything we had.
3. Do a Donor Egg Cycle. Admit that my eggs just suck. No explanation needed. Doesn't matter that I'm only 30 (and remember they sucked at 28 too) They just suck for no reason and will never create a child. I know I will be able to get over my insecurities about a donor egg cycle. I know I have it in me. I will be so happy to give birth to a baby, to nurture it, to know my decision gave him or her life. Plus, they will have the best Daddy in the world.
I keep wavering between all 3. We'll see. Stay tuned. Thank you for all your support.